If you have read my post titled "Music", you might've noticed that it is almost like a diary entry. This post is an all out diary entry. I have many a times stopped myself from writing anything too personal but then I don't really understand that much about boundaries.
I have been an "all or nothing" guy in almost every sphere of life. It is reflected much too often in my relationships with people, in my work, even in my lifestyle. And thus, I am unable to understand boundaries people have. I have been told by people whom I have shared this problem with (*) that I have to learn about this and it is useless to lament about this inability of mine.
But what no one seems to understand is that it is not that easy for me. And its not just limited to boundaries of what's acceptable behaviour. I have problem knowing what are the boundaries of my relationship with someone. The other person's romantic or offended feelings would stare me in the face and I wouldn't recognize them unless I am told very clearly and specifically (Ironically, I can usually tell everything going on in a relationship I'm not a part of with a decent amount of accuracy). This lack of understanding causes me to stay away from all girls. People who know me might describe me as indifferent, calm and confident (maybe arrogant?) but I am just as afraid as anyone else. I'm afraid to engage with a girl because it is like a pitch black cave for me for I do not know where am I going, where am I and I am afraid of going into this darkness just like a little kid. I'm afraid of hurting someone emotionally unintentionally. I have too many bad experiences. I sometimes joke with my friends that I doubt if there is any girl I have been genuine with and not offended her (I actually cannot recollect even one such girl.). Its different with boys. Boys don't get offended that easily (well, at least they don't show it) and there are no clearly defined boundaries and thus I am allowed transgressions.
In the end, I stay away and I don't know what impression the girls have of me, but they ignore me and I ignore them. But now and then I meet a new girl through my volunteering contacts and almost reflexively I alienate her by staying unusually quiet (more than I am with boys).
Today, acting upon the encouragement of one of my friends, I did not try to alienate the girl and actually tried to answer and not drive her away (she seemed quite interested in me, judging by her facial expression) but when has the genuine me ever been good at not offending. I again struggled with boundaries. I started to explain to her a statement I blabbered in my abstract way of communication, but then I realised that I will have to tell her about me for that and then I was lost because I did not know how much personal is acceptable for a first interaction (**).
So, I stopped in mid-sentence and basically sputtered some incoherent words and then topped it off with the insult I have offended one too many with: Nobody understands what I say; I say too complicated things; People just don't have the ability to understand things that complicated. And without pausing to watch the look on her face, I exited while she was still standing there. I am still regretting it. She really seemed to admire me for some reason. But I am quite used to this sort of a thing. I have walked with two girls in absolute silence when I was escorting them to their hostel, which was broken only by their asking me one question and my one-word answer. Rest of the way they were talking among each other and I was walking beside them, looking dead ahead, not even pretending to pay any attention to them. I know that many boys will have their jaws hanging in absurdity when they get to know about this (One girl was hot, the other one was quite beautiful and hot. Both could possibly be among the hottest in their year), but that's just how I am.
I believe that life is kind of like the japanese personality games where you are given a limited number of skill points and you have to decide how good your character is in different domains of life by allotting the skill points. Sometimes I feel that I have been given more than normal skill points in intellect but in such a way that I am unable to enjoy the stupid things but my intelligence is also not enough to be of any proper use. And to compensate for those points, points have been taken away from my social abilities, leaving me somewhere above an animal but certainly not with human capabilities.
In the game, as we move forward, we earn skill points and thus can strengthen our weak parts. Similarly, as we grow older, we evolve, we grow and overcome our weaknesses.
Thus, I know that I will outgrow this inability of mine but judging from the cases of other INTPs, it will take a good deal of time, somewhere like 20-30 years. And this is the reason I am calm and worried at the same time.
I am calm because I know I will get over it some day but I am worried that what if it is too late by then?
I am told repeatedly by everybody that networking is necessary and meeting people is necessary and good. But how can I build a network when I can't even talk to someone? If you want to advise me to not engage in heavy talk and just stick to small talk, please understand that it would be like trying to speak an unknown language for me. I simply don't understand what small talk is. Also, I am very honest and I cannot try to seem interested in your static, bland personal details when I am not and why would I be when there are so many intriguing things to think about and figure out.
To highlight the problem I have with boundaries, I would like to point out that in this post I have publicly discussed something that is (I think) usually closely guarded in a personal diary.
I don't know what should I do until I have developed my people skills enough. Any suggestions? Any other response to this post?
*well, no one except my sister actually seemed to take me seriously. But then that could have been because I have been trying to program people around me to ignore me and not take me seriously, just in case I do something offending unknowingly.
**Some would say that each person is unique and thus any amount is acceptable and what I have to say to those people is that I doubt that it is acceptable for me to share my faults and emotional disabilities, hangups etc. unless it is my therapist I'm talking with. And yeah, that is the extent of my problem. I stay quiet among my close friends also because I do not understand what is to be discussed. And there is one more problem that I have actually been called "self-obsessed" by a girl when I was innocent and was starting out on my path to self discovery and was genuine all the time (I'm still genuine now but I just don't show it by interacting with people), which makes me all the more uncertain how much and what is discussable in any social situation. And the toughest part of this is that I do not see anything as personal to me, which basically is the reason I don't see any boundaries. People think I am reserved but actually the situation is that I am simply inaccessible but a free land once accessed. You can ask me any question, however personal may it be, and if I have a single iota of trust in you and think that you actually want to know, I will answer it truthfully without holding back. This also scares people away as they see me as too intense.
Comments
Post a Comment